COMING HOME
After years of waiting and counting down, it is almost time for the
gates on the Iron House to open and your loved one to step through
and
come home. Your greatest dream and your worse nightmare are about
to be
realized...yes, it is your loved one and no, you don't know this person
anymore. Is there hope that all can be healed and your loved
one
becomes once again the person you knew and loved? The answer
is a
resounding yes, but it will take honesty, patience and work by all.
The experts say that it only takes 18 months for a person to be
institutionalized. After 20+ years working with First Nations
persons
locked up in Iron Houses, I would say that the experts are being
optimistic and that any amount of time locked up leaves wounds that
must
be healed and behaviors unlearned. You must understand the nature
of
the enemy - the Iron House - in order to understand the damage done
to
your loved one. The prison system, regardless of where located,
systematically, intentionally and scientifically makes every effort
to
dehumanize a person in order to better control and "manage" the prison
population.
Immediately upon entering the prison system, activities are undertaken
to strip away a person's identity, decision-making capabilities, and
self-esteem. Their names are taken away to be replaced with a
number.
Their sense of "Who I Am" is replaced with "What I Am." All
opportunities to make a choice are removed. They are consistently
told
and retold what little worth they have to humanity. They are
punished
for showing any emotion, questioning any decision, or stepping outside
of the accepted standard. Complete and utter compliance and conformity
are demanded. Individualism is punished swiftly and severely.
And it
never changes. Colors are bland, meals are bland, activities
are bland,
and days and night fold into each other. Time slows and stops,
as does
growth and life for the inmate.
In order to survive such an environment, your loved must have been
flexible enough to adapt and once adapted, it has become his/her life.
It is life, alien and warped, but it is their life. And now comes
the
time for the inmate to come home, a world that has now become alien
and
unfamiliar and more importantly, terrifying. This is a time that
will
require more strength from the inmate than going into prison.
But this
time your loved one is not alone, you are there to help the healing
process and to encourage the growth. Your loved one has been
deeply
wounded, but can heal. Yes, there will always be scars, but one
can
live with scars as only distant reminders of bad times. So here
are a
few things to be aware of and several things you can do. You
and your
loved one are no longer helpless. Take your power back and use
it!
TIPS AND HINTS:
First, recognize that he is coming from a place where he has had to
be
constantly alert and attentive, a place that is never quiet, a place
he
is never alone in peace, and that quiet is foreign to him. He
will need
periods of quiet time in short intervals. And he will not be
comfortable with loud noises that he is not accustomed to, such as
the
babble of party noises, street noises and the like. He will be
uncomfortable around a variety of colors, genders, children and
animals. He will at first be uncomfortable moving from room to
room,
and will tend to stay in one room until it has become familiar.
He will
be uncomfortable going out the door ahead of anyone else. His
eyes will
always be shifting around and his heading turning, and he will probably
wish to sit with his back to a wall. These are instinctual things
he
has learned and he won't even be conscious of it. The best cure
is
simply time, to replace his instincts with new ones and to help him
be
aware of his actions, without trying to correct the actions.
Pay
attention to his comfort level and help make his new environment
comfortable, introducing new things slowly.
The worse damage done to your loved one is his ability to make decisions
or choices was taken away. It has to be relearned. We unconsciously
make hundreds of decisions a day. Your loved one is not allowed
any and
has forgotten how to make them. He was not even allowed to choose
what
he would wear for the day, or if had the choice, it was extremely
limited. Do not overwhelm him with choice.
The key to helping is staying supportive, but not smothering.
He has to
learn to make decisions and to choose in order to survive and grow
in
the new world, but he doesn't have to learn it overnight. Think
in
terms of small and slow steps. Let him set the pace, and be there
for
him if he demands too much of himself. He will want it all...the
sensations he lost, the colors he lost, the sounds, the feels, the
music. He can have it all, but in smaller doses. Wide open
spaces will
scare him at first. Start with just watching a sunset to draw
his
attention up and out. A short walk in the neighborhood or light
picnic
in his own backyard. When you see he is comfortable, then expand
to
something a bit larger, a bit longer.
Don't ask him what he wants you to cook for dinner. Ask him if
there's
anything in particular that he would like, that he's been craving.
Don't be surprised if some of his old favorites have changed and he
no
longer likes macaroni and cheese or turkey or meat loaf or pancakes.
Those are prison staples and he is sick of them, even if your
"home-cooked" was special. Again, give him small choices to make...do
you want corn or green beans?
He will want to do those things that have been denied him all those
years, social functions, entertainment, etc. Help him to realize
the
dream, but be cautious in how you do it. Do not take him to a
movie the
first weeks home. Dark, enclosed places, where he is surrounded
by
people will cause those flight/fight instincts to kick in. Rent
a video
instead. Do not take him to car races...try watching it
on TV first to
let him get accustomed to the noise. Do not take him to
a restaurant
for a full meal...start by going into a smaller, comfortable, familiar
place and order just dessert or a beverage. Menus are really
intimidating and ordering dinner is overwhelming...soup or salad, what
kind of soup or what dressing on the salad, what kind of potato..mashed,
baked, fried or rice, rolls or toast, what to drink with dinner.
Don't ever come up behind him quietly and put your arms around him for
a
quick hug, or tap on his shoulder. The flight/fight instinct
will
immediately kick in.
Make a little noise before entering a room he's in or call out to him.
Encourage him to come into another room by inviting him in with you.
Do not take him shopping unless he asks to go. Under no circumstances,
take him into a shopping mall the first few weeks home. Start
out with
small convenience stores or grocery stores. Don't ask him what
he
wants, ask him what brand of something he was using or liked.
If you
put him in front of a two dozen brands of toothpaste, he'll freeze.
Watch him closely at shopping expeditions. If he begins to sweat
or
starts looking around more and more, pull him out of the store...he's
on
overload.
Encourage his participation in household decisions by asking his
opinion, but do not pressure him to make the decision. I know
that you
have longed to have the burden shared and it can be, but first he must
learn to trust his decision-making skills and feel comfortable with
airing his opinion. It's been a long time since he was asked
and a long
time since he was trusted.
Prepare for him coming home by having a new wardrobe ready for him,
preferably colors he wasn't allowed to wear. But keep the wardrobe
small, six or seven shirts at most. He won't be able to decide
what to
wear if he is overwhelmed with too much choice. Help him with
the
choice by mentioning that you particularly like a shirt or that he
looks
good in jeans, or you will be going someplace that tennis shoes might
be
comfortable. Don't tell him what to wear, but give hints or
encouragement that will help.
Even though out of prison, there is still a long string tying him to
prison...fines owed, parole officers to check in with, boxes on forms
that ask if he ever committed a felony. The reality is that he
is
forever marked by being a prisoner and both you and he must accept
that
reality. Reduce the stress levels of the string by reducing the
situation to an annoyance rather than an obstacle. Acknowledge
that it
is annoying, but then so is paying taxes, getting a driver's license,
showing ID to cash a check. Reinforce the idea that it is simply
a task
to be done and has little importance in day to day life.
Help your loved one to redefine himself. He has lost "Who I Am,"
and
must now start over and this time carrying a backpack full of
shame,
guilt, pain, anger and confusion. Don't remind him of who or
what he
used to be, but encourage him to look for what he wants to be.
Let him
know there are no limits to what he can be.
Expect periods of silence from him when he has nothing to say.
Expect
periods when he won't shut up and you want to scream because you are
tired of the prison stories. Expect evasions and direct lies
because
they have become a necessary part of his living system. Expect
and
understand where these things are coming from, but do not change your
life to accommodate these things. When he is silent, respect
his
silence but do not retreat into it also. When he won't stop talking
about prison, understand he is feeling particularly lost and redirect
his thoughts to here and now. Call him on the lies and let him
know
there is no reason to lie. Remember, however, that he is used
to
instant and harsh punishment and will expect the same from you.
Human touch was one of the first things taken away from him. His
only
experience with human touch during his imprisonment has been in a
negative way or fleeting moments during visits. He will crave
touch and
be repelled by it at the same time. Watch for his comfort level
and
adjust to it and help him to expand. Never touch him when he
is unaware
of your presence.
Do not sacrifice yourself and your needs to accommodate him.
It will
only add to the burden of guilt he is feeling. Let him know that
even
though the transition is home is tough, you are working on it together,
and that you expect him to be a partner in the work. Guide, do
not
nag. Make opportunities for him to be a partner, and then sit
back and
allow him to do it...even if you want to take it out of his hands and
do
it yourself.
Be honest, be patient, be loving and most importantly, be human.
Do not
try to be perfect, do not try to be strong all the time. He needs
to be
needed. He needs to give love as well as receive it. He
needs to know
he is of value to you and the creation. He needs to relearn pride
and
faith. He needs to be judged on his actions now and the past
become a
whisper of memory.
Help him to find his spirituality. Help him to see the world beyond
himself and his place in the world through his spirituality.
Be the living example by which he can learn. Show compassion,
honor,
trust, respect and fairness. These are qualities that he has
not seen
for a very long time and they cannot be described in words. By
your
example, show him the way home.
Final Thoughts:
Each situation, each human is different. But there is one truth
for
all. Your loved one has been wounded by the horror of being locked
up.
What must take place is a healing, not just for him but for you also.
It will happen. It takes time, love and absolute faith, but it
does
happen. I urge you to be aware of what he has been through
and where
he has been, but not to allow your home to become a prison also.
Help
him to clean the prison out of him and replace that empty void with
home. Do not allow the prison to run your lives any longer by
letting
him and yourself stay imprisoned within your heart and minds.
In order
to be free, you both must feel free. Remind y ourselves constantly
that
you are free!
I speak from the voice of experience. Not only have I supported
First
Nation Iron House Spiritual Circles, but I married a prisoner.
After
seven years in prison (six of which we shared together), my husband
has
come home. On December 25, 1998, we celebrated ten months of
freedom.
During our celebration, we talked about the insanity of the first few
months home, we talked of the love that had grown and strengthened
through the years and the most exciting part was that we talked about
the mundane, routine parts of life and made plans for the
future....building a new fence next year, getting a puppy as a companion
for our grown dog, rebuilding our lodge and renewing our wedding vows
next Spring.
All that I had hoped for and wished for has come to be. My husband
is
truly home and we are stronger and more united for the experience.
We
truly value love, companionship, partnership and each other.
We do not
take for granted the small precious moments of life. The healing
is
well underway for us both. Keep your faith and your hope....it
will be
a good day, and a good life.